8 Ways to Get an Oscar Nomination (as Written by the Academy)

Nobody cares about "strong, independent women" anymore. It's become a fad in recent years, but not what we're looking for. We want women who can cry and be weak too. We are happy to see movies where creators take risks and make their women secondary to strong, compelling men who, as we all know, are terribly misrepresented in movies.

 How many times have you gone to the movies, and walked out harrowing with guilt after seeing people of color suffer? The movies were not made for that! The movies were made to be fun! Would you rather hear yet another tale of suffering by the oppressed or watch Bradley Cooper shoot stuff? Bradley Cooper it is! Just look at those blue eyes! You get 'em, you sexy rascal.

We're really not that into movies that talk about things that are relevant today like technology, the inconvenient dichotomies presented by married life, or racial unrest. Instead, we're superinto Benedict Cumberbatch in tweed! And Tywin Lannister is there too! And there's those two other guys! I've seen them somewhere. Somewhere British. And they're talking about stuff that's already happened and that has no relevance right now, like the war. And that leads us to...

Isn't it wonderful to hear their little accents? Everything they say sounds so proper. The "loo", the "lift", the "universal healthcare". It's so droll. See what I did there? We just love feeling like we're in Downton Abbey. Anyway, put as much Eddie Redmayne as you can, because he's a modern day Laurence Olivier! Oh, you don't want to do British? Then...

I mean, don't say it's a white story, but you know... Call it a "True American Life", and give it a twist. Like showing it through the eyes of a little boy who represents our entire great nation of Caucasian men. It'd be pretty awesome if you can just start claiming that your movie shows life exactly as it is for EVERYONE. Shoot it in Texas.

He's as white as can get. I loved him in Spiderman. And wasn't he in a TV show where he pretended to be blind or something?

 BUT! We would really, really, really like it if she gets to spend a lot of screen time with male characters. Like, how about Ben Affleck? Or Eddie Redmayne? They're such great actors, you don't want to make them feel bad, do you? If Redmayne cries it's all your fault. Just do it like Selma. Isn't that a Simpson's Movie spinoff?

 Oh right, and finally, if you wanna get nominated you've got to be a man. I mean, you don'thave to, but pretty much you kinda do. It's sorta an unspoken rule we have around here. Any kind of man, though: white like Clint Eastwood, Mexican like... what's his name? The Birdmanguy... I always forget it... It's like Pedro? Alejandro? Alejandro, like the Lady GaGa song! Hell, we'll event take gays if they're white. Look at Wes Anderson! What do you mean he's not gay? Then why does he dress like that?