Beauty is pain.
It's one of the most common and accurate cliches, and most of you ladies have heard that said at least once in your lifetime: Whether it was from your mother kicking off her heels in an exasperated sigh, your sister plucking her eyebrows and trying not to weep, or your best friend accidentally poking herself in the eye with a mascara wand after one or two glasses of wine.
Beauty is pain.
However, as history and these photos can show us, beauty is not only pain: It's a lot of other really bad things, too.
Beauty is terrifying.
Beauty is uh, kind of dangerous?
Beauty is the stuff of nightmares.
Beauty will forever haunt your immortal soul.
Scared yet? You will be in a minute. Take a look at these photos of beauty procedures and tools from the 30's and 40's, but try not to shriek in horror: Shrieking definitely causes fine lines.
#1. The Freckle Freezer
No, this isn't a scene from a torture-thriller. This is a machine that was once used to "freeze" off people's freckles using carbon dioxide. The patient's eyes, nose, and mouth had to be covered, forcing them to breathe through a tube during the procedure.
#2. The Giant Blow-Drier
Blow-driers aren't scary in theory, but something about these gigantic driers pointed at this woman's face like canons leaves us feeling slightly unnerved. They also look like they might come alive and blow-dry her head off at any moment.
Blow-driers aren't scary in theory, but something about these gigantic driers pointed at this woman's face like canons leaves us feeling slightly unnerved. They also look like they might come alive and blow-dry her head off at any moment.
#3. The Hair Waver
This is a rudimentary perming machine, but instead of "soft waves," the image we are getting is "unsanctioned brain experiment."
#4. The Absolutely Unacceptable Make-Up Applicator
Though he was a legend and innovator within the beauty industry, Max Factor created this device, and it is truly horrifying. We're not sure how it works exactly, but something tells us that one wrong move would mean the end of your beauty routine - and your life.
#5. The Not Okay, Not Fine At All Beauty Mask
This 1940's electric mask was electric, and could be plugged in to heat the face. The initial goal was stimulated circulation and fresher, clearer skin, but what the product succeeded at best was making children terrified of their mothers.
#6. The Slenderizer
Slenderizing salons were popular in the forties, and different salons had different approaches to weight loss. One tactic was this slenderizing machine, which claimed to help you lose weight through extended massage via metal rollers. Finally, a product that actually works! And by "works" we mean "is incredibly uncomfortable and terrible and does not make you lose any weight at all."
#7. The Still Not Okay, Still Not Fine At All Beauty Mask
Helena Rubinstein was a cosmetic entrepreneur with salons all over the country, which made her one of the richest women of her time. Unfortunately, Rubinstein's wealth did not prevent her from creating this mask-related beauty treatment. This photo begs the disturbing question: Why is the person applying the treatment ALSO wearing a mask?
#8. The Cape of Horrors
Sunscreen wasn't invented until the mid 1940's, but beach-goers still had to find a way to protect their skin from harsh rays. Sure, no one knew much about skin cancer back then, but a lot of people were preoccupied with preventing freckles. The solution? This cape, which not only prevented skin damage, but will also be the star of the next season of American Horror Story.
#9. The Medusa Machine
Hairstyles in the 30's and 40's predominantly focused on tight, lustrous curls. To achieve this affect, women would spend hours with their hair in these machines, hoping that the machine didn't come alive and lift them off the ground entirely. Fun fact: Many hair salons in Japan and Korea still use this technique!
#10. The Surprisingly Unsettling Fruit Mask Made of Actual Fruit
Years ago, there weren't a lot of fruit-infused products on the market. The solution? Put actual fruit on your face at the salon. We hope that this woman could breath - and we hope she eventually found out that lemons are no good of your skin.
#11. The 'Glamour Bonnet'
Though it might have been called the Glamour Bonnet, there is nothing glamourous about this spooky situation. Apparently, the mask was intended to give you a rosy complexion by lowering atmospheric pressure around your head. This seems like a recipe for some long-term brain damage - but at least you'll have a natural glow to go with it!
#12. The Skin Sucker
Popping your own zits has never been a good idea. What about a machine to suck your zits right out of the skin? Seems like a good idea in theory, but: these nozzles are made of glass, and the pressure from the machine difficult to control. In other words, it might suck out your zits - and the rest of your skin, too.
#13. The Fifty Shades of Please, Make It Stop.
This is a photo of two women wearing rubber "beauty masks," intended to tighten the skin. This photo exists, and if you are looking at it, it's okay to cry.
#14. The Hellraiser Hangover Mask
Do you remember the movie Hellraiser, and how the villain in that film had dozens of pins sticking out of his face? Well, this ‘Hangover Heaven’ face pack is reminiscent of that, except with ice cubes instead of pins. It was also invented by Max Factor, and the cubes on the mask could be filled with water, frozen, and applied to your hungover, puffy face. Though this look might give us the willies, one thing is for sure: This is the best idea ever and you need to acquire this mask right now (or at least by next Saturday morning).
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